Bài đăng trên Tuổi Trẻ, thứ bảy 23/10/2010, click view original post
TT – Cũng đến lúc tôi nhận ra làm một người mẹ hòa hợp với con gái mình thật khó khăn.
Con gái phản kháng lại bất cứ sự định hướng nào xuất phát từ tôi, luôn có sự vặn vẹo: Sao không làm thế này mà phải thế kia? Sao mẹ cứ đem cái thời cách đây vài chục năm ra so với bây giờ? Sao mẹ cứ cố tình kiểm soát khi con đã lớn?… Kèm những câu hỏi không cần được trả lời là nét mặt ương bướng hoặc cố tỏ ra lì lợm khiến nhiều khi tôi không kìm nổi cơn nóng giận. Như góc xoay 180 độ, xưa con tôi lễ phép đi hỏi về thưa, giờ con bộc lộ thái độ trốn chạy khỏi gia đình; tránh gặp mặt, né sự quan tâm của cha mẹ, nhiều khi đi khỏi nhà mà chẳng hỏi lấy một câu.
Tôi không nhớ biết bao lần nói trong nước mắt: “Đến khi làm mẹ rồi con sẽ hiểu được lòng cha mẹ”. Nhưng con gái vẫn cứ bướng trước những âu lo đầy căng thẳng của tôi. Hôm nay va chạm, ngày mai đụng độ, ngày kia xung đột… ngày nối tiếp ngày bằng những mâu thuẫn triền miên, đến nỗi trong nhật ký con gái tôi viết rằng sau này sẽ chẳng làm mẹ vì không muốn trở nên giống tôi.
Nỗi đau bị đứa con mình rứt ruột đẻ ra khước từ thấu đến tận đáy tim. Song tôi biết làm cách nào đây để giải tỏa khoảng cách xa vời trong mối quan hệ mẹ con? Tôi từng nghiêm khắc, từng cố ngọt nhạt, luôn muốn chia sẻ với con, từng nghĩ rằng vô phương trong việc giữ con không rời quá xa tầm tay. Sau tất cả tôi đành dặn lòng: trời không chịu đất thì đất phải chịu trời. Tôi bắt đầu luôn cười với con – nụ cười của một người mẹ “xu nịnh” dù con đang cáu giận hay phạm phải sai lầm. Tôi nói: “Kiếp này mẹ được làm mẹ của con rồi, kiếp sau con hãy làm mẹ và mẹ làm con cho công bằng nhé!”. Thoáng trên gương mặt con tôi là sự khó hiểu nhưng im lặng và không phản kháng.
Suốt những năm tháng con tôi bước đến tuổi trưởng thành, tôi luôn gọi con là “mẹ của kiếp sau”. Chỉ đơn giản đổi cách xưng hô, theo kiểu: “Mẹ của kiếp sau ơi, đến giờ đi học rồi kìa!”, “Mẹ của kiếp sau muốn nghỉ lễ cả nhà đi du lịch ở đâu nào?”… vậy mà tôi đã kéo được con gái trở về ngoan hiền dưới mái nhà của mình. Tôi thành công không phải bằng những can thiệp thô bạo vào quá trình hình thành nhân cách con gái, không phải bởi những nỗi khổ sở của một người mẹ bất hạnh.
Đến giờ con tôi đã trưởng thành, ra sống riêng, tôi không lo lắng gì nữa, mà ngược lại đang nhận sự chăm sóc báo hiếu của con. Đôi khi tôi vẫn gọi con là “mẹ của kiếp sau” vì điều đó đã in sâu vào tiềm thức. Thật lòng, nếu có kiếp sau, tôi vẫn mong con gái trở thành mẹ của mình. Con sẽ hiểu sâu hơn nỗi lòng của mẹ!
THÙY LINH (Ghi theo lời kể của cô Kim Quý, Hà Nội)
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