Ngày tháng trôi qua, tôi vẫn nghe những câu tán tỉnh trắng trợn đầy dục tính của cậu trai non tên Lâm. Cậu ta quá trẻ và đầy tự mãn đến nỗi tôi không thể lên giọng giáo dục về ý thức cuộc đời cho cậu ta nghe. Lâm sẽ chẳng chịu hiểu, vì cậu sẽ chưa hoặc không có cơ hội trải qua những điều như tôi đã gặp. Cậu vẫn luôn nghĩ chính mình là người thay đổi tương lai, chứ không phải bị tương lai sắp sẵn. Chắc chắn nói với cậu ta những điều mình nghĩ, cậu ta sẽ bĩu môi cho rằng chỉ những kẻ tự phụ nhưng yếu đuối và cam chịu mới nghĩ như thế. Cũng tốt thôi nếu trái tim cậu ta giữ được nhiệt huyết một cách bền bỉ và đừng để nó tắt ngóm một cách quá sớm.
Đôi lúc, tôi tưởng tượng ra cảnh mình làm tình với cậu ta, không phải vì yêu thương, không phải vì bản năng mà chỉ muốn chứng tỏ bản lĩnh và kinh nghiệm của mình theo kiểu đàn chị. Rõ ràng từ khi Phong biến mất, hơn nửa năm trời tôi chỉ mới hai lần have-sex cùng đàn ông. Một lần trong vô thức, một lần vì muốn xoa dịu cảm giác đau đớn của cảm xúc. Ngoài Phong ra, Tôi đã không hề muốn ai chiếm được yêu thương và bản năng của người phụ nữ trong mình. Những người đàn ông có may mắn được gần gũi tôi đều là phục vụ cho một mục đích nào đó không thuộc về bản thể đàn bà. Khi đó họ được sử dụng như những phương tiện cho một con người khác của tôi. Song tất cả đều chung một hình thái là Tình Dục.
Sau một phần tư thế kỷ, ý niệm về sex đã thay đổi theo hướng hoàn toàn khác lạ trong suy nghĩ của tôi. Không điều gì còn đơn thuần, nguyên bản, hầu như bị nhào nặn và pha trộn vào quá nhiều hỗn chất. Từ sau khi gặp lại Phong, tâm trạng của tôi thoát ra khỏi sự trống rỗng neo bám bấy lâu, cũng không còn thấy bị đè nén nặng nề nữa. Và thêm vào đó, sự thay đổi được mối quan hệ lỏng lẽo với người đàn ông tên Lâm giúp tôi nhìn nhận lại cuộc đời mình. Ngày xưa tôi sống thoáng, nhưng thoáng trong cái vỏ bọc trầm uất, bất cần. Bây giờ tôi nhìn tất cả những gì trải qua với cuộc đời mình đều thoáng nhẹ như mây. Cái gì của mình rồi sẽ thuộc về mình, có lẽ tôi chưa được định mệnh trao tặng, nên cần phải biết chờ đợi và lạc quan về những món quà của tương lai. Tôi soi bóng mình trong gương, những nếp nhăn nhỏ li ti kin đầy da mặt, bờ môi khô cong lên những tự kỷ, đôi mắt ngơ ngác nỗi buồn không định hình. Tôi thấy mình vẫn còn đẹp, nhưng đã già đi rất nhiều. Đó là dấu tích của những tháng năm ngược đãi bản thân, phũ phàng với những khát khao yêu thương. Bất chợt hơi tủi vì mình chỉ có một mình. Tôi không thể thoát ra bóng trùm của quá khứ để yêu một ai đó nguyên vẹn bằng cả trái tim, ngây thơ trinh nguyên như chưa từng yêu bao giờ. Cần phải liều mạng đánh cuộc với tình yêu của mình. Nhưng buồn thay, khi đã trở thành một người đàn bà sành sỏi, từng trải, người ta không thể yêu đương khi chưa khơi gợi được bản năng.
Một ngày, trái đất xoay những vòng quay cũ, hỗn độn bình yên. Lâm vuốt ve bầu má của tôi tiếp nối những hành động đã cũ mà không biết tôi vừa trải qua một cơn chấn động mạnh. Ánh mắt đê mê, cậu ta cúi xuống và hôn tôi bằng vành môi khơi gợi, bằng chiếc lưỡi mềm uốn lượn, bàn tay cậu phiêu du từ trên cổ xuống phía dưới… Nụ hôn và sex không hề giống nhau. Một bên là cảm giác, là cái gì đó cảm xúc rải tràn trong từng tế bào của cơ thể, một thứ xúc cảm vô định, và kéo dài bồng bềnh. Một bên thuộc về bản năng, thẳm sâu từ bên trong, gào thét dữ dội và đòi hỏi. Nụ hôn và sex như thiên thần và ác quỷ cùng ngự trị nơi vườn ân ái. Ác quỷ thì lúc nào cũng đầy sức mạnh, không nhìn thấy nhưng có thể xuất hiện bất cứ lúc nào. Còn thiên thần dễ mắc tật e thẹn mà trốn biệt mất. Thực tế người ta have-sex với nhau thường dễ dàng hơn là hôn nhau, nhất là đối với phụ nữ, nụ hôn xuất phát từ con tim chứ không phải nằm trên đầu lưỡi.
Tôi lúc đó không nghĩ gì nữa, miên man trong phông nền trắng xóa của bản năng. Màu trắng của sự giải thoát. Trong khoảnh khắc nhận thức được rằng: vậy là mình sắp có quan hệ tình dục với một cậu trai non, kém tuổi. Nhưng chuyện này sẽ đi về đâu? Những ràng buộc của quá khứ muộn phiền có được gói gọn và cất đi. Tôi cần refresh lại bản thân, lập trình lại trái tim, để tìm được một tình yêu xứng đáng cho mình liều lĩnh đặt cược. Bằng một cách nào đó khác đi, chứ không phải việc lại dấn thân vào một mối quan hệ chẳng ra gì. Nghĩ về những ngày sau, những tấm màn trắng che phủ hiện hữu của quá khứ như bị kéo tung ra, phơi bày tất cả để cùng ồ ạt tràn vào tiềm thức đang xám màu. Có cần phải thêm một thứ đồ vật thừa thãi vào trong nhà kho chật chội của lòng. Lâm cũng chỉ là một cuộc đời thừa trong đường đời của tôi… Vậy thì nặng gánh làm gì?
Khi Lâm bắt đầu đắc chí vì tưởng mình đã chế ngự được tôi, thì bỗng đâu một lực đẩy dữ dội kéo tuột tôi ra khỏi vòng tay của cậu ta. Giữa chúng tôi là một khoảnh khắc ngắn ngủi, mong manh, chưa làm nên chuyện. Tôi nhìn Lâm bằng ánh mắt lành lạnh, khẽ lắc đầu và nghĩ rằng từ ngày mai sẽ dửng dưng với Lâm như một người xa lạ. Vì trò chơi ái tình không thể nào kéo dài. Hai kẻ cùng dấn thân một là lên đến đỉnh điểm rồi kết thúc hoặc chấm dứt giữa chừng với một dấu chấm đột ngột hơn.
Có lẽ lúc đó Lâm lại ý thức là tôi giở chứng kiêu kỳ như mọi khi, nên cậu ta sẽ kiên trì hơn vào lần sau. Song trái tim của tôi đã biết suy tính cân đo. Phía dưới đáy đã dầy chi chít những vệt gai đâm, chai sần và cứng cỏi. Biết trước Lâm cũng chỉ giống như một cái gai nhọn đáng coi thường nơi phía đường tương lai thì có nên để nó tiếp tục đâm vào tim mình? Và sự cân đo nghiêng dần về giới hạn KHÔNG, khi tôi nhớ lại trọn vẹn quá khứ kéo dài suốt 25 năm của mình. Bỗng chốc đắng xót pha chút ngọt ngào trôi qua lắng lại một dư vị khó tả… nhưng đó là thực tế. Không phải là những cuộc chơi…
Ngày hôm sau gặp lại Lâm, tôi tỉnh bơ lướt ngang qua, vô thần và chẳng chút đam mê khiêu khích trên khuôn mặt. Lâm thoáng đắn đo cho một câu chào xã giao nhưng rồi ngưng ngay lại khi thấy thái độ lạnh băng của tôi, cậu cũng hướng thẳng mắt về phía trước và bước ngang qua tôi. Hai người không hề nhìn nhau. Những kẻ luôn ôm trong lòng niềm tự trọng sẽ chẳng bao giờ hỏi vì sao khi một người họ từng coi là bạn phớt lờ và xa cách. Cả tôi và Lâm đều có một niềm sĩ diện rất lớn lao trong ý niệm của mình. Đời Lâm, đời tôi, chẳng cần bất cứ mối liên hệ nào cả. Vô tình chạm vào nhau một cách nhẹ nhàng và đến lúc cần phải rời nhau để đi theo quỹ đạo của riêng mình. Những cuộc đời trôi lệch hướng nhau.
Đủ cho một kết thúc rồi!
Game over!
Một phần tư thế kỷ đã trôi qua…



309 Bình luận
Kết thúc rồi sao? Cuối cùng vẫn thấy San bất hạnh và buồn đau!
Kết thúc rồi sao? Cuối cùng vẫn thấy San bất hạnh và buồn đau!
Những cuộc đời trôi lệch hướng nhau làm sao ở bên nhau vĩnh viễn được. Mong là San sẽ nhập vào được quỹ đạo của 1 người đàn ông thực sự hợp với mình!
Kết thúc lơ lửng khó chịu quá!
Những cuộc đời trôi lệch hướng nhau làm sao ở bên nhau vĩnh viễn được. Mong là San sẽ nhập vào được quỹ đạo của 1 người đàn ông thực sự hợp với mình!
Kết thúc lơ lửng khó chịu quá!
Uhm, mình cũng mong là chưa kết thúc. Một cái kết thúc gây khó chịu và chưa thỏa mãn…
Mình ko thấy bóng dáng của mình như Keng nói, cũng không thấy cái triết lý sống của mình, đơn giản chỉ mô tả câu chuyện theo 1 hình bóng vốn có của Keng.
Khuyên thật rằng câu chuyện của San rất hay, có cảm xúc của nhân vật toát lên rất rõ, …. nhưng tác giả có chìm đắm vào nó, sẽ tạo phản cảm cho nhân vật…! Câu chuyện vốn không nên có kết thúc, đó là cách kết thúc hay nhưng đừng kéo nhân vật xoáy quá nhiều vào tâm tưởng, sẽ tạo tư tưởng nhàm chán cho người đọc, đôi khi sẽ đuợc gọi là sến hay cải lương.
Nói cho cùng tác giả vốn đưa luận lý theo ý kiến “khả thi vông” vốn đề cao sự nhân bản và xúc cảm sâu, nhưng có phải thiếu đi 1 thứ không nhỉ? Phải không người yêu…?
Hình như Keng thiếu mất sự ăn ý về mặt đó…!
Thế nhé người yêu.
“Tình một đêm” có lẽ Keng nên nghe bài hát này, nó có thể cho Keng vài cảm xúc nữa, nhưng nên cho nhân vật San có kết thúc lơ lửng như thế, có lẽ vẫn hay hơn…! Tình một đêm vẫn mãi là tình … từng đêm một.
Vậy hen ngừơi yêu. Mình dạo này hơi bận, khá nhiều việc cần làm…! hix…!
Game over! Vốn dĩ mở đầu bằng một trò đùa, kết thúc cũng bằng một trò chơi. Nhưng trò chơi này có vị đắng và chỉ khiến người ta trống rỗng hơn. Tôi không thích cách ứng xử của San ở cuối câu chuyện, nhưng sẽ chẳng có gì ngoài lý trí của cô ngăn mình không làm như thế. Song nếu có lý trí để tính toán thì cuộc sống của San có lẽ đã khác đi rất nhiều! Dẫu sao cũng đã Game over!
Uhm, ko trách kết cục được vì chủ đề là sex sau 1/4 thế kỷ. Csống thay đổi và quan niệm sex thay đổi.
Lơ lửng cũng hay.
Chị thấy San có suy nghĩ tích cực khi khuyên Phong, khuyên Lâm tại sao San không thay đổi cách sống của mình theo hướng tốt hơn? Khi tình yêu mất đi, niềm tin, hy vọng và mọi thức cũng trôi theo nó nhưng không có nghĩa là mất tất cả. Thời gian sẽ là phương thuốc nhiệm màu sẽ xoa dịu đi bao đớn đau, chỉ cần suy nghĩ tích cực, hành động tích cực và thêm một chút hy vọng vào ngày mai tươi sáng thì cuộc đời San sẽ khác.
Mong rằng San sẽ wên mau cuộc tình của mình để sẽ bắt đầu khi ai đó đến với San. Nhưng mà cũng thấy sự mất trí của Phong như một cái gì đó tính sẵn vậy, kô tin vào câu chuyện mất trí của Phong lắm. Mong San sẽ lại ui đời, ui người…..
Mình không thích cái kết thúc này, tại sao đã nghiêm túc với người đàn ông tên Lâm mà lại dễ dãi với cậu Lâm này?
Mấy ngày rồi không online, giờ mới đọc blog của K được, đã viết một câu chuyện dài thế? Nhưng vẫn buồn quá!
Chưa chịu viết truyện mới à? Chờ hoài, ngày nào cũng canh blog để vào đọc truyện à!
Không có truyện mới, đọc lại truyện cũ, hỗn độn quá… khiến tôi bị ám ảnh!
…
Buồn quá đi!
1 câu chuyện buồn ! San thật đáng thương ! Cuộc đời cô thật đáng thương …
Khi nhận ra rằng sống buông thả và trả thù đời với những thằng đàn ông đã phụ bạc mình chỉ càng làm cho mình đau đớn và bế tắc hơn trong vũng lầy chính mình thì San đã mạnh dạn kết thúc nó và bắt đầu một cuộc sống mới mạnh mẽ hơn và thực tế hơn. Kết thúc là bắt đầu cho một suy nghĩ lành lặn và bớt cay nghiệt với chính mình.
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